All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
