why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
