A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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