I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
