What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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