I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
