I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
