every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
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