Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
