It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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