Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
