meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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