it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
