So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
