does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
