the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
