I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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