It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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