Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
