i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
