i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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