Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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