hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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