So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
