Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
