his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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