New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
