I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
