grandma shit on top of the toilet
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We left the knife in your bed.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
