You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize