is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
