Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
