Dude my mom stole all your condoms
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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