yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
