I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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