If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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