You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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