Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
