Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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