I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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