So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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