Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
