All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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