did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
