who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
