What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
