I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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