I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize