Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Is Oprah even human
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
