dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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