The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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