I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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