I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
