What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
This house was built for laser tag.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
