I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
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