Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
