My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
