it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize