At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
