1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
