Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
