Only a mothe r could love this liver
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
