please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
