I wish life had little blips of pornography
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
