Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
