Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
