Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
