There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
What a dumb baby whore.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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